Loneliness

Facing loneliness in Your Marriage

You Are Not Alone

First of all, I want to tell you something that I've learned. If you know someone with aspergers, then you know someone with aspergers. 

They are all different with different levels of autistic behaviors and personalities. Just because someone has been diagnosed with aspergers, doesn't mean that they're mentally ill or deficient in any way. But there are some things that many aspys seem to share.

Theory of Mind

We were sitting having dinner one evening watching the news. The Sandy Hook incident had just occurred and as they showed the story, I began to cry. My husband told me he had something to tell me. 

"I am sorry that this has happened. I know it's a bad thing. But, I don't feel anything."

For my aspy, he was disclosing at a very deep level. He was making himself extremely vulnerable. All I could feel was loneliness. 

A person with aspergers has a hard time feeling something that they haven't experienced on some level in their own life.They do not have the ability to put themselves in in an other's place. This is called Theory of Mind.

For instance, we were at the movie theater watching 'Nebraska', I looked over and saw that he was crying. Nebraska is the story about a father who has begun to exhibit signs of dementia and claims that he has won the lottery and must go to the town identified on the flyer that came to his house so that he can collect.  The story ends up with the son taking the father and all kinds of wonderful things happen between them. 

My husband has longed for intimacy with his father and hence, the tears. He had something he could identify with. He could connect.

Sandy Hook was an incident that he had no experience with, hence, he was incapable of having any emotional response to the story.

Back to the Topic: Loneliness

My husband and I have much in common but not everything. I'm an extremely emotional person. Maybe that's why my husband loves me. But, to be married to someone who has little emotional response to me is often lonely. I want to talk about things and discuss them.

 My husband wants to recite facts which I don't care about. I want him to grab me and kiss me. He doesn't know how or is very clumsy. I watch other couples and yearn for what they have. Of course what I think they have isn't necessarily so good. But it looks good to me. 

What I've learned, is that I have to be RESPONSIBLE for having my needs met. I've learned to form close relationships with other people who enjoy talking about their feelings and want to share with me. It takes a lot of work because I have to go outside my relationship which is where I thought I would find this level of intimacy. I do end up feeling lonely and it can be painful. It makes me angry and sometimes I want to leave or find a lover or anything that can offer me a release. 

I have learned to ACCEPT that I am responsible for my own emotional needs, not my husband. I have found that it also helps to tell my husband my needs. When he holds me, it heals me in so many ways. His hands are warm. He loves me. He will never leave me. I take time to focus on what is right and good. That's my medicine.